Month: August 2019

Stop the pursuit of happiness!

What did Thomas Jefferson have in mind when he considered essential to add “the right to the pursuit of happiness” in the Declaration of Independence? Life and liberty were, of course, vital rights that the forefathers of this country had to fight for when the colonies weren’t allowed the sovereignty to decide their own destiny when the British army was abusing the colonists.

But why the pursuit of happiness? I’d like to understand the intention behind the words. I believe that it was not about individuality and not about possessions. Their fight was for freedom and I am inclined to agree with those who think that they were referring to that happiness that can only be achieved when you work for freedom and for the public good.

The pursuit of happiness is since the declaration of independence a goal linked to the American way of life. People have come to pursue happiness, or what they believe happiness is, through the most extraordinary ways. Money and fame have become the avenues that supposedly take you to Heaven on Earth. But it doesn’t take long for people to realize that money can’t buy happiness.  People achieve riches and fame and they party, drink alcohol, consume drugs, have sex, all in pursuit of happiness. Often times people get a quick peek at or a brief sensation of elation that might feel to them as heaven. But, because it doesn’t last long, they go for more and more of it until it risks becoming obsessive and destructive behavior. Might explain why people are frequently unsatisfied. Longing, always longing.

A divorce between the soul and the ego might be the big culprit of people’s lack of happiness. The soul is capable of experiencing the utmost joy and peace. The ego is greedy and lonely and afraid. It can seek experiences that can elevate the body to the heights of elation or manic moods but cannot achieve joy on its own. Joy is a less intense experience, but it lasts longer.

The pursuit of happiness has been misunderstood, I think. It’s not about the individual, but about the collective wellbeing; it’s not about possessions but about achievements. It’s more about doing the right thing than a lot of things!

COMPARE TO BUDDHISM… Accept suffering is part of life.

The third person is essential for emotional health

A dad is trying to playfully connect with his 9-year-old at a restaurant. The boy is standing to the left and the father has his arm around him. Both seem a little uncomfortable. The dad starts throwing what seems like a math quiz at the child.

What’s 40% of 50? the dad asks and the boy has trouble finding the answer.

The dad gives him clues, takes him to “what’s 40% of a hundred?” to which the boy easily replies 40 and then the dad insists with the former question.

Even though this time the boy easily says 20, he is frustrated and concludes, “I’m not smart, dad.”

This simple anecdote of interaction between father and son makes me think of a hundred things.

For one, how difficult it is to respond sometimes to the emotional needs of another person!

The father’s intention seems to be to communicate with his son, to play with him, to stimulate the child’s brain. However, he doesn’t seem to realize he’s making the child feel incompetent and stupid. Not a good foundation for a parent-child relationship, but unfortunately this interaction is not uncommon between adult and young males.

There was an implicit “leave me alone” plead from the boy that the father disregarded. I wonder if the child will remember this one as a humiliating moment where he perceived his father was more intelligent. Will he also feel that his father sees him as a failure and therefore won’t feel proud of him? Not unlikely, the father-son memory will be recorded with some resentment that will mark even the son’s choice of career (I’m not good for math, I will choose art).

The saddest thing though is not only that the father didn’t see the child’s discomfort (the father kept insisting) but that the dad’s good intention was not recognized either.

I believe in these cases a third person is essential. Was this a divorced father sharing weekend time with his child? The mother was not there. Would she have stopped the father from going on with the quiz to protect the child? Would she have interpreted and explained to the child what his father’s intention was?

I’ve seen how important it is for single parents to have a third person reinforce their authority, share responsibilities, explain their intentions to the child.

I’ve also seen how important it is for a child who is verbally mistreated in public to have a third person intervene and stop the abuse. It takes the blame out of him/her (“It is not something I did what explains my parent’s abusive behavior”).

I am certain that in many occasions our perception of the world is tinted and biased because we lack that third person in our lives who can explain and interpret the facts for us. For example, a grandfather who provides a different perspective; the stranger who intervenes to either defend the child or take the steam out of the situation; the wife who explains dad’s intention; the therapist who allows for a space where emotions are acknowledged, words listened, and new perspectives are possible.

Let’s look for opportunities where our children can see the two sides of a coin. That will help them integrate lightness and darkness and grow emotionally healthy.

My truth is your truth?

“The basic difference between an ordinary man and a warrior is that a warrior takes everything as a challenge while an ordinary man takes everything as a blessing or a curse.”
― Carlos Castaneda

In Don Juan, the Sorcerer, Carlos Castaneda said,  “To seek freedom is the only driving force I know. Freedom to fly off into that infinity out there. Freedom to dissolve; to lift off; to be like the flame of a candle, which, in spite of being up against the light of a billion stars, remains intact, because it never pretended to be more than what it is: a mere candle.”

In the spiritual path, we sometimes have this illusion that we can reach or we have already reached “the” truth. We talk about things like “keeping inner peace” and “putting aside the ego” and “we’re all one.”

The problem is we have trouble recognizing we are a “mere candle” of the infinite number of existing stars in the universe. “The truth” would be beyond the summation of all potential light that all the existing candles can shine.

When we get/feel separate from the whole, we stop contributing our share to the big light and still, we go around shouting “I have the light, I have the light, I have the light.” We want to show it to everyone else, we preach our truth, force our light unto others.

Holding to our beliefs as if they were a supreme truth revealed leads us into trouble, big trouble. When we hold the position that we’re right, and someone differs from us, then they must be wrong, uh? What follows is separation.

We fight for what we believe, which is understandable if we identify ourselves with our beliefs. But we’re not our beliefs.

Disagreements get us upset, and we snap out of balance. Her or his opinion becomes a threat for me…

What if instead, we seriously, honestly, work for integration, acceptance, union? Are we afraid to integrate a new idea or perspective into our existing beliefs? Being afraid would mean that our ego is disconnected from the soul. I bet the soul, which is adventurous, would always take on the challenge of exploring unknown territories.

I say, let’s us add and multiply instead of subtract and divide!

Let’s take what the other says, even when we disagree or feel challenged, as an opportunity to move forward, learn and integrate new perspectives.