(excerpts from Silvia Casabianca’s book: Heartminded: Conscious evolution from fear to solidarity)
Loving without knowing how to love wounds the person we love. To know how to love someone, we need to understand them. To understand them, we have to listen.
—Thich Nhat Hanh.
At the age of nine, a moment of inspiration set me on a path to becoming an educator. I felt, rather than knew that something was wrong with education at home and school. I would have to reread Little Men (Roberts Brothers, 1871), by Louisa May Alcott, to fully understand the impact this book had on me at that early age. The Plumfield Estate School, run by Mama Baher (the protagonist) with her husband, seemed like a paradise where children were treated with respect, empathy, and affection, but, above all, where there was an understanding that the students were children, and teachers allowed them to be so.
Although I had already been born with a call to support others’ healing processes (a desire to become a doctor that goes as far back as I can recall) and had also made my first attempts at writing stories, I promised to myself that one day I would create a different kind of school. It took me thirty-four years to gather enough faith in myself to dare to start one.
The school project came together thanks to the selfless dedication of the members of our Fundación para el Desarrollo del Joven—fundeijoven—created in 1991, and later, thanks to the support of a relative, Margot de Pellegrino, founder of the Fundación para la Actualización de la Educación (FACE), in Bogotá. Without the background of my youth work in Magangué in 1986, a youth project developed in Barrio Chiquinquirá in Cartagena, between 1988 and 1989, and the successful experience of our Carpe Diem school in Cartagena, I would not claim any authority to talk about educating in love. Ours was a very fruitful experience. In our model of education (1991 to 2001), we created an environment with zero tolerance of any form of violence, and children were never coerced into studying out of fear of not passing tests or of getting failing grades. Students evaluated themselves according to the objectives they had previously set for themselves. Teachers learned to avoid labeling children, understanding the negative impact tags can have on the formation of a child’s identity.
We were further encouraged by Summerhill School, an independent British boarding school founded in 1921 by Alexander Sutherland Neill, who believed schools needed to fit the child’s needs and talents instead of imposing standard curricula that disregard we’re all different. They understood play as an invaluable learning opportunity.
At Carpe Diem, we believed that a student-centered education that respects the individual’s pace and interests renders positive outcomes. Children’s questions were encouraged, and they learned to formulate hypotheses and search for answers. It stimulated their critical thinking and mathematical skills. Children had direct access to books in the classrooms (use of computers was still limited).
British academic and learning innovations consultant, Steven Wheeler says, “True pedagogy is far more that someone instructing. Pedagogy is leading people to a place where they can learn for themselves.” But even in the digital era, it doesn’t work that way. In many cases, education fosters dependency.
The learning process we implemented at Carpe Diem allowed children to access information sources, they became skilled in processing data, and then they found ways to apply what they learned to real life. It facilitated the acquisition of advanced cognitive abilities.
Our pedagogical innovation was intent on eliminating fear. It aimed at becoming a model for educating in love. No doubt, fear is a strong motivator. It leads you to do whatever prevents pain. It works as an external emotion regulator. But educating in love involves applying empathy in the educational process. It leads to self-soothing, introspection, strengthened bonds, self-motivated learning, and joy.
Some children came to Carpe Diem after experiencing difficulties in other education centers. Several had lost motivation for learning and felt frustrated at not achieving what was expected of them in their previous schools. Some had trouble socializing, which seemed related to highly competitive environments where they had experienced bullying. But often, it was the unrealistic expectations of their parents and teachers—frustrated by certain behaviors or because the children were falling short of high standards—that seemed to be at the root of the children’s behavior.
In our experience, an institution concerned more with academics or achievement than with a student’s process runs the risk of neglecting the emotional development of the child in all its different components: affect, safety, the ability to be assertive, socialization, and the management of sexuality.
Besides the family, the school is one of the most crucial social factors influencing the emotional maturation of the child; therefore, it’s also decisive in the development of cognitive processes (attention, memory, perception, and observation). But schools can also have a significant impact on the emotional and social development of the child. Therefore, they must aim at creating anxiety-free environments while contributing to nurturing and gratifying the emotional needs of the child, promoting curiosity, allowing exploration, and stimulating mastery of certain skills and talents.
The spiritual leader Osho said that schools should focus on teaching the art of living, the art of dying, and meditation (in addition to some English, science, and mathematics): “A real education will not teach you how to compete; it will teach you to cooperate. It will not teach you to fight and come first. It will teach you to be creative, to be loving, to be blissful, without any comparison with the other. It will not teach you that you can be happy only when you are the first.”
Do schools teach children how to love others? Do schools show children the best ways to love and respect their bodies? What about children learning about the responsibility we all have in the preservation of the earth?
It’s sad to see how many children eat plenty of foods laden with empty-calories or fats (junk food) or subject their bodies to exercises and fashion regimes without grasping the long-term negative impact those might have on their bodies. At Carpe Diem, children learned they had choices, but eating junk food was not one of them because, why would you put harmful things in your body? To make a healthy decision you need to first fully develop your awareness. Teachers (and parents) need to direct the attention of the child to what is best for them.
The issue of loving the body deserves special mention in a consumer society that seems to promote a progressive and slow murdering of our bodies. I’d dispute the idea that allowing children to choose certain foods is love. Why feed our children with foods that lead to chronic inflammation and illnesses? Only because we’re not making healthy choices ourselves. Please note the terms we use reflect the treatment we give our bodies: you kill yourself working; you eat crap; you party till you drop; you might compete to death. These expressions are woven into the fabric of a culture that steadily disrespects the body. This is not to mention how widespread the abuse of mood-altering substances and pharmaceuticals has become.
The benefits of learning to love extend beyond oneself, but they begin with self-knowledge and the development of self-compassion.
In the Art of Loving, Fromm explains how the practice of any art––including the art of loving––requires discipline, concentration, patience and dedication, without which no art can’t be mastered.
In our school, Carpe Diem, our schedule offered two weekly hours for self-exploration. It was a safe space for the children to examine relational issues and learn to express their feelings openly. “Safe space” refers to a place and moment in which a person can feel comfortable and sheltered. Where they can express themselves freely and gain insight, knowing that they’re listened to and accepted, and that what’s said is confidential. Once a safe space is created, it becomes easier to express emotions and develop a healthy capacity to regulate them. In these group sessions the students were able to put on the table any grievances or conflicts existing between them or between them and their teachers, and this gave them the opportunity to mature ways of solving conflict. Sometimes they watched a movie and discussed its content or examined their lifestyle and its impact on their bodies, on others, or on the world. They used music, painting, drama, or body movement to express themselves. It was a time, in short, for reflection and introspection.
The years have proven that our methodology had a positive impact on the lives of the children we served. The results reaffirm the idea that compassion can be taught, love can be learned, and fear can be excluded from education. Also, that we can offer models of solidary relationships and teach principles of cooperation.
It seems natural for children to respond lovingly. However, it’s important to invite them to look at the different ways in which others experience the world, helping them to reflect on the impact their actions have on others, on the planet, and on their bodies.
Much has been said about bullying. One of the ways to prevent harassment implemented at Carpe Diem included a very simple activity. When a student with special needs was admitted, we invited other students in the group to talk about their own challenges. When classmates reflected on their own needs or limitations, the new child relaxed. We embraced our common humanity, acknowledging that we all have some limitations that prevent us from functioning fully. These might be laziness, obsessing, or limping. Someone might have a stiff knee or headaches. Others might suffer from dyslexia or a visual deficit. Some children have to deal with extreme shyness, others with social anxiety. Part of our life journey has to be precisely about dealing with or overcoming our limitations.
According to research published in 2014 by the British not-for-profit organization Scope, about 67 percent of Brits felt uncomfortable when talking to a disabled person. A survey by Louis Harris and associates had found similar results in the US in the nineties. However, we can become aware of, and relate to the discomfort, if we use cognitive empathy to try to understand what another person is feeling.
When a child is going through emotional turmoil, one of the most common reactions from peers is to turn away (flee) because they don’t know how to handle the stress the situation elicits. We invited the children in Carpe Diem to open up and try to understand what the other child was going through and then to think of what they could do to support their peer. Most children responded positively to our suggestions. Being supportive is natural.
Stimulating empathy in children is one of the key objectives of inductive discipline. In this type of discipline, social transgressions are not approached with punishment.
Most modern educators are aware that punishment for social transgressions engenders reactions ranging from resentment to defiant behaviors. Instead, a child could be induced to feel sorry for the discomfort he might have caused and helped to reflect on the effect his actions had on another. Then a reparative action can be suggested—hugging, asking for forgiveness, inviting the other to play—so that shame and guilt are attenuated. These behaviors would be remembered and would eventually contribute to a reinforcement of the neural circuits for empathy. The newfound empathy will then contribute to limiting aggression and increase prosocial behavior.
