He discrepado obstinadamente de la idea de que los niños necesitan motivación externa (ser recompensados, castigados o empujados) para poder estudiar y aprender. En cambio, creo que deberíamos seguir su ejemplo y orientar nuestros esfuerzos educativos en la dirección de los intereses de los niños. Esto –y no estrategias que provoquen ansiedad– facilitaría el aprendizaje.
El difunto autor y educador estadounidense John Holt dijo: “… la ansiedad que sienten los niños al ser evaluados constantemente, su miedo al fracaso, al castigo y a la desgracia, reduce gravemente su capacidad tanto de percibir como de recordar, y los aleja del material que se está estudiando en estrategias para engañar a los profesores haciéndoles creer que saben lo que en realidad no saben”.
Observa a los jóvenes mientras, por ejemplo, están inmersos en sus videojuegos.
O míralos aprender sobre sus cantantes o ídolos deportivos favoritos. Los niños desarrollan por sí solos los conocimientos y habilidades necesarios para competir entre sí, sin la “motivación” de ningún adulto.
Lamentablemente, el mercado manipula la necesidad de socializar, encajar en un grupo y desarrollar las habilidades necesarias para satisfacer sus necesidades psicológicas de admiración y respeto que tenemos todos.
La educación debería reconocer que nos mueve una necesidad natural de aprender, especialmente sobre las cosas que nos importan, porque es una cuestión de supervivencia.
Más aún hoy en día.
Supervivencia del más apto
La noción de Darwin de que sólo sobreviven los más aptos se puede aplicar a todo lo que hacen los humanos. Los bebés aprenden a sentarse, rodar, levantarse, hablar y caminar sin que nadie les indique que deben hacerlo. Los procesos, características y comportamientos que se desarrollan durante la niñez pueden explicarse por una combinación de fuerzas biológicas (naturaleza) y condiciones ambientales (crianza).
Un código genético heredado determina el fenotipo (apariencia física), mientras que la familia, los factores socioculturales, la nutrición y la actividad física influyen en el desarrollo.
La naturaleza nos dota de ciertos talentos y habilidades que facilitan aprendizajes específicos, y el sistema educativo debería ofrecer a todos la oportunidad de desarrollar esos dones.
Nuestro desempeño y creatividad mejorarían enormemente si pudiéramos sentirnos cómodos y seguros haciendo lo que estamos haciendo.
La humanidad se está volviendo cada vez más intensivo en conocimiento
Estoy de acuerdo con la apreciación del fallecido gurú de la gestión, Peter Drucker, quien dijo: “De ahora en adelante, la clave es el conocimiento. El mundo se está volviendo intensivo no tanto en mano de obra, material y energía, sino en conocimiento.”
Pero eso lo sabes instintivamente. Instas a tu hijo a obtener un diploma de escuela secundaria y luego a esperar entrar a la universidad confiando en que encontrará mejores oportunidades laborales si obtiene una educación.
También sabes que cuando buscas trabajo, para cualquier empleador, tu valor personal dependerá de tu experiencia y formación, en otras palabras, de tus conocimientos.
Pero dirigir los currículos de las escuelas a triunfar en las pruebas que empujan a los estudiantes a devorar y memorizar contenidos, porque la admisión a la universidad depende de los puntajes del SAT y el promedio de calificaciones (GPA), no ayuda.
¿Son los educadores conscientes del nivel de ansiedad que crean estas pruebas? ¿De la posible relación entre exámenes, miedo al fracaso y aversión a la escuela?
Un niño es por naturaleza un explorador
Los bebés primero exploran el mundo poniéndose cosas a su alcance en la boca. Luego se alejan gateando y continúan explorando: agarran objetos del suelo, los prueban, los golpean, los arrojan tratando de entender qué son, qué función tienen.
Los bebés aprenden a sentarse y a pararse mediante un proceso repetitivo de prueba y error. Probar comportamientos que les den –con suerte– lo que quieren marca sus interacciones con las personas.
Creo que tenemos la culpa de estropear la tendencia natural del niño a explorar el entorno y aprender de él.
Los abrazamos
Con pocas excepciones, los que comenzaron como emocionantes por qués del niño de tres años pasan de ser lindos a ser una molestia (porque estamos ocupados en “asuntos más importantes”) y pronto nos cansamos de responder al interminable flujo de preguntas. Los abrazamos, tal vez.
Luego vamos y los distraemos con dibujos animados (para que no nos interrumpan) que comienzan a modular su comportamiento (porque estamos ocupados haciendo “cosas más importantes”). Y cuando por fin van a la escuela, básicamente los atamos a la silla y les exigimos atención concentrada.
Si demuestran intereses particulares, se les considera una distracción para el grupo. Olvidamos que todos los caminos conducen a Roma.
La curiosidad podría generar oportunidades de aprendizaje
Me he imaginado una escuela donde la maestra del jardín de infantes sería lo suficientemente inteligente e intuitiva como para permitir que el niño corra detrás de la colorida mariposa que se extravió en el aula.
La profesora podría utilizar la mariposa como un bonito pretexto para explicar formas y colores, proporciones, aerodinámica, gravedad y simetría (entre otros principios básicos de matemáticas y física) de una forma natural y comprensible. Y podría pedir a los niños que hicieran un dibujo del insecto para que aprendieran a expresar y representar el mundo en el que viven.
Pero lamentablemente nuestro sistema escolar empuja al maestro no solo a cumplir con las normas del colegio, sino a ofrecer resultados cuantitativamente mesurables, sin importar si el niño desarrolló o no habilidades de otro tipo.
You may remember. In 2007, we were shocked with the news:
A Southcorean, “Seung-Hui Cho, 23, an English major, killed 32 people and committed suicide at Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State University in the deadliest shooting rampage in modern U.S. history.”
As we were reminded by this deadly event, anger has the power to ruin families and lead humans to committing unthinkable acts.
In the aftermath of killings like this one, full-size WHYs hammer our mind. Seung-Hui Cho killed his mates without a word of warning. He had enough cold blood to leave the campus after killing two, email his videos and come back to continue with the killings on campus. Do we need to ask why?
It’s easy to excuse ourselves from any responsibility here by saying that this man was sick, that his classmates “innocently” tormented him because of his bizarre behavior and that they could not have anticipated the impact of the bullying on him or that the real origin of his mental health symptoms was in the poisonous effects of chemicals from his family’s dry cleaning business.
In a public statement, his sister said that his family, “never could have envisioned that he was capable of so much violence.”
Why not?
How is it possible that not one single person perceived the magnitude of the anger Cho had bottled in, anger which ended in such a fatal episode? Maybe we have learned to view anger as an inevitable part of life, a human “nature” feature, an emotion that does not necessarily need to be overcome, and that many even accept and justify presenting us with the image of a biblical wrathful Jehovah, or of a loving Jesus who was still capable of enough ire to whip merchants out the Temple.
However, we know better. And from this painful lesson and the many more mass killings that have happened since, we may learn that it would do a lot more good to our society if people understood God and Jesus as synonyms of joy and love and compassion.
Why was Cho so lonely that nobody helped him overcome his anger, calm his fears, resolve his hatred? After the killings, it is difficult to say that it was “none of our business.” We won’t be the same after mass murders happen. It is our business.
In addition to the profound compassion that I feel for the families and friends of those sacrificed in mass killings, at the level of my soul I feel also a deep compassion for people like Cho, a person who seemingly lived a tortured life, and I pledge to advocate not only for a zero-tolerance-to-violence society but for a zero-tolerance-to-indifference world.
These events might not be part of our conversations after a few weeks, but they will not easily be forgotten. We might choose to forgive the murderers and question the responsibility of those who couldn’t prevent the tragedy. However, I am aware that nothing positive would come from hating a murderer or just pointing fingers.
Of course, the above are not the only questions that came to mind.
If, from a spiritual standpoint, we are all one, what is our responsibility in this situation, as a society? “We fell down with everyone in that classroom,” a blogger said referring to the victims of the VA killings, and I share the feeling. Let the questioning that seek explanation to delayed warnings and delayed response to the threats be.
I comfort myself after such sad days thinking that after a terrible act of violence like this strikes our hearts, it, extraordinarily enough, also opens the gates to appreciating life in its fullest (imagine what those who were spared feel now!), to reflecting on contributing to building a compassionate society, of learning and teaching socioemotional skills at home and in schools.
Let’s take a moment each day to express our love to our fellow humans who are mourning dear ones after these tragedies occur, including the family of the gunmen. And then, take another moment to feel our responsibility to promote a world where we truly support each other.
You complain: “Life is difficult, unfair and lonely. My efforts are seldom acknowledged or rewarded. I don’t have the family, job, house, car or friends that I deserve. Not only life is not as it should be, but I cannot change the world to my convenience. Or, can I?” But then came The Secret (the movie, the CD, the book).
“Oh, you certainly can, because you create the world you live in with your thoughts, your words and your actions,” the masters say. “Just learn the principles of the ‘Law of Attraction’ and all you desire will be manifested. If it doesn’t work, just review if you are using the principles properly: find out what you’re doing wrong.”
“This is The Secret to everything – the secret to unlimited joy, health, money, relationships, love, youth: everything you have ever wanted,” read the promise delivered on The Secret’s first official web page. A misnomer by now, The Secret carries a message that caught the attention of the world in a way that perhaps none of the former publications on spirituality, religion or how to become rich in three seconds have.
So, if you crave an abundant, a worry-free life, and you haven’t seen the movie or bought the book, what are you waiting for? Besides, it’s not the only book on the topic. You can get Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires, by Esther Hicks or The Master Key System, by Charles F. Haanel, to name a few.
In the past 50 years or so, the Americas, from Alaska to La Patagonia, have been flooded with information on spiritual, religious and metaphysical matters. Most of the material presumably comes from the East or from esoteric knowledge that was previously withheld from the public. This knowledge has been marketed through books, CDs, DVDs, movies, social media and charismatic speakers. Shall we hypothesize that spirituality provides more answers than science? Even though science has dug deeper and deeper and to the level of the most minuscule particles life is made of, it would seem that the answers it provides do not suffice. In our quest for meaning, it’s not the amazing biomarkers helping doctors in early detection of cancer, the trip to Mars, or the development of fiber optics, and artificial intelligence, but the feeling that God is reachable what brings hope to people whose lives have been stricken by disease or scarcity.
Back in 2001, the economist Paul Zane Pilzer reported that Americans were spending $200 billion annually on wellness, from fitness clubs to vitamins. Well, in 2022, the industry surpassed the $450 billion mark.
Although wellness and nutritional products have reached a plateau and have faced the threat of limitations brought about by regulation of supplements and vitamins by the FDA, the industry continues to hold the promise of getting to the trillion-dollar mark soon. However, a glance at the incredible success of such movies as What the Bleep do We Know, Conversations with God, How to Know God, and The Secret, is enough to see that spirituality as merchandise nipped at the wellness industry’s heels.
What are these products really selling? Hope? Magic? A power drawn from realizing that one’s life is totally on one’s own hands? The common ingredient is faith. Recently, a Reiki patient reminded me of Friedrich Nietzsche’s definition of faith: “Not wanting to know what is true.”
Indeed, and beware! You can use superficial knowledge of the laws of the universe, or a poorly-understood spiritual principle as a tool to deny your reality. Therein lies the danger of the trivialization of metaphysics, the commercialization of the sacred and the cheapening of spirituality.
How could anyone learn the principles that gurus have mastered in a lifetime of dedication and meditation by watching a movie, listening to a tape or attending a weekend seminar? No Buddhas or Einsteins are born in a snap. Why is the marketing of promises to make over our lives so successful? Is people’s wishful thinking replacing effort and creativity in resolving financial needs, or are we all truly looking for a spiritual life and a re-encounter with a re-defined God that exists within? Is this perhaps a unique rebellion, turning off the current paradigm, whereby only a few deserve abundance and good health?
In Where Are We Going? (ReVision magazine, spring, 2001), Mariana Caplan discussed contemporary spirituality trends: “When mystical experiences become our obsession, and we run from workshop to teacher to fancy esoteric tradition looking for the next high, we have taken a great detour from the needs of our culture – a culture that is obsessed with boldness but devalues subtlety; that is infatuated with excess but scorns simplicity; that honors selfishness while mumbling about service.”
(excerpts from Silvia Casabianca’s book: Heartminded: Conscious evolution from fear to solidarity)
Loving without knowing how to love wounds the person we love. To know how to love someone, we need to understand them. To understand them, we have to listen. —Thich Nhat Hanh.
At the age of nine, a moment of inspiration set me on a path to becoming an educator. I felt, rather than knew that something was wrong with education at home and school. I would have to reread Little Men (Roberts Brothers, 1871), by Louisa May Alcott, to fully understand the impact this book had on me at that early age. The Plumfield Estate School, run by Mama Baher (the protagonist) with her husband, seemed like a paradise where children were treated with respect, empathy, and affection, but, above all, where there was an understanding that the students were children, and teachers allowed them to be so.
Although I had already been born with a call to support others’ healing processes (a desire to become a doctor that goes as far back as I can recall) and had also made my first attempts at writing stories, I promised to myself that one day I would create a different kind of school. It took me thirty-four years to gather enough faith in myself to dare to start one.
The school project came together thanks to the selfless dedication of the members of our Fundación para el Desarrollo del Joven—fundeijoven—created in 1991, and later, thanks to the support of a relative, Margot de Pellegrino, founder of the Fundación para la Actualización de la Educación (FACE), in Bogotá. Without the background of my youth work in Magangué in 1986, a youth project developed in Barrio Chiquinquirá in Cartagena, between 1988 and 1989, and the successful experience of our Carpe Diem school in Cartagena, I would not claim any authority to talk about educating in love. Ours was a very fruitful experience. In our model of education (1991 to 2001), we created an environment with zero tolerance of any form of violence, and children were never coerced into studying out of fear of not passing tests or of getting failing grades. Students evaluated themselves according to the objectives they had previously set for themselves. Teachers learned to avoid labeling children, understanding the negative impact tags can have on the formation of a child’s identity.
We were further encouraged by Summerhill School, an independent British boarding school founded in 1921 by Alexander Sutherland Neill, who believed schools needed to fit the child’s needs and talents instead of imposing standard curricula that disregard we’re all different. They understood play as an invaluable learning opportunity.
At Carpe Diem, we believed that a student-centered education that respects the individual’s pace and interests renders positive outcomes. Children’s questions were encouraged, and they learned to formulate hypotheses and search for answers. It stimulated their critical thinking and mathematical skills. Children had direct access to books in the classrooms (use of computers was still limited).
British academic and learning innovations consultant, Steven Wheeler says, “True pedagogy is far more that someone instructing. Pedagogy is leading people to a place where they can learn for themselves.” But even in the digital era, it doesn’t work that way. In many cases, education fosters dependency.
The learning process we implemented at Carpe Diem allowed children to access information sources, they became skilled in processing data, and then they found ways to apply what they learned to real life. It facilitated the acquisition of advanced cognitive abilities.
Our pedagogical innovation was intent on eliminating fear. It aimed at becoming a model for educating in love. No doubt, fear is a strong motivator. It leads you to do whatever prevents pain. It works as an external emotion regulator. But educating in love involves applying empathy in the educational process. It leads to self-soothing, introspection, strengthened bonds, self-motivated learning, and joy.
Some children came to Carpe Diem after experiencing difficulties in other education centers. Several had lost motivation for learning and felt frustrated at not achieving what was expected of them in their previous schools. Some had trouble socializing, which seemed related to highly competitive environments where they had experienced bullying. But often, it was the unrealistic expectations of their parents and teachers—frustrated by certain behaviors or because the children were falling short of high standards—that seemed to be at the root of the children’s behavior.
In our experience, an institution concerned more with academics or achievement than with a student’s process runs the risk of neglecting the emotional development of the child in all its different components: affect, safety, the ability to be assertive, socialization, and the management of sexuality.
Besides the family, the school is one of the most crucial social factors influencing the emotional maturation of the child; therefore, it’s also decisive in the development of cognitive processes (attention, memory, perception, and observation). But schools can also have a significant impact on the emotional and social development of the child. Therefore, they must aim at creating anxiety-free environments while contributing to nurturing and gratifying the emotional needs of the child, promoting curiosity, allowing exploration, and stimulating mastery of certain skills and talents.
The spiritual leader Osho said that schools should focus on teaching the art of living, the art of dying, and meditation (in addition to some English, science, and mathematics): “A real education will not teach you how to compete; it will teach you to cooperate. It will not teach you to fight and come first. It will teach you to be creative, to be loving, to be blissful, without any comparison with the other. It will not teach you that you can be happy only when you are the first.”
Do schools teach children how to love others? Do schools show children the best ways to love and respect their bodies? What about children learning about the responsibility we all have in the preservation of the earth?
It’s sad to see how many children eat plenty of foods laden with empty-calories or fats (junk food) or subject their bodies to exercises and fashion regimes without grasping the long-term negative impact those might have on their bodies. At Carpe Diem, children learned they had choices, but eating junk food was not one of them because, why would you put harmful things in your body? To make a healthy decision you need to first fully develop your awareness. Teachers (and parents) need to direct the attention of the child to what is best for them.
The issue of loving the body deserves special mention in a consumer society that seems to promote a progressive and slow murdering of our bodies. I’d dispute the idea that allowing children to choose certain foods is love. Why feed our children with foods that lead to chronic inflammation and illnesses? Only because we’re not making healthy choices ourselves. Please note the terms we use reflect the treatment we give our bodies: you kill yourself working; you eat crap; you party till you drop; you might compete to death. These expressions are woven into the fabric of a culture that steadily disrespects the body. This is not to mention how widespread the abuse of mood-altering substances and pharmaceuticals has become.
The benefits of learning to love extend beyond oneself, but they begin with self-knowledge and the development of self-compassion.
In the Art of Loving, Fromm explains how the practice of any art––including the art of loving––requires discipline, concentration, patience and dedication, without which no art can’t be mastered.
In our school, Carpe Diem, our schedule offered two weekly hours for self-exploration. It was a safe space for the children to examine relational issues and learn to express their feelings openly. “Safe space” refers to a place and moment in which a person can feel comfortable and sheltered. Where they can express themselves freely and gain insight, knowing that they’re listened to and accepted, and that what’s said is confidential. Once a safe space is created, it becomes easier to express emotions and develop a healthy capacity to regulate them. In these group sessions the students were able to put on the table any grievances or conflicts existing between them or between them and their teachers, and this gave them the opportunity to mature ways of solving conflict. Sometimes they watched a movie and discussed its content or examined their lifestyle and its impact on their bodies, on others, or on the world. They used music, painting, drama, or body movement to express themselves. It was a time, in short, for reflection and introspection.
The years have proven that our methodology had a positive impact on the lives of the children we served. The results reaffirm the idea that compassion can be taught, love can be learned, and fear can be excluded from education. Also, that we can offer models of solidary relationships and teach principles of cooperation.
It seems natural for children to respond lovingly. However, it’s important to invite them to look at the different ways in which others experience the world, helping them to reflect on the impact their actions have on others, on the planet, and on their bodies.
Much has been said about bullying. One of the ways to prevent harassment implemented at Carpe Diem included a very simple activity. When a student with special needs was admitted, we invited other students in the group to talk about their own challenges. When classmates reflected on their own needs or limitations, the new child relaxed. We embraced our common humanity, acknowledging that we all have some limitations that prevent us from functioning fully. These might be laziness, obsessing, or limping. Someone might have a stiff knee or headaches. Others might suffer from dyslexia or a visual deficit. Some children have to deal with extreme shyness, others with social anxiety. Part of our life journey has to be precisely about dealing with or overcoming our limitations.
According to research published in 2014 by the British not-for-profit organization Scope, about 67 percent of Brits felt uncomfortable when talking to a disabled person. A survey by Louis Harris and associates had found similar results in the US in the nineties. However, we can become aware of, and relate to the discomfort, if we use cognitive empathy to try to understand what another person is feeling.
When a child is going through emotional turmoil, one of the most common reactions from peers is to turn away (flee) because they don’t know how to handle the stress the situation elicits. We invited the children in Carpe Diem to open up and try to understand what the other child was going through and then to think of what they could do to support their peer. Most children responded positively to our suggestions. Being supportive is natural.
Stimulating empathy in children is one of the key objectives of inductive discipline. In this type of discipline, social transgressions are not approached with punishment.
Most modern educators are aware that punishment for social transgressions engenders reactions ranging from resentment to defiant behaviors. Instead, a child could be induced to feel sorry for the discomfort he might have caused and helped to reflect on the effect his actions had on another. Then a reparative action can be suggested—hugging, asking for forgiveness, inviting the other to play—so that shame and guilt are attenuated. These behaviors would be remembered and would eventually contribute to a reinforcement of the neural circuits for empathy. The newfound empathy will then contribute to limiting aggression and increase prosocial behavior.
Is our racism fueled by narcissism? This is a time where we need to educate ourselves, strive to understand, use empathy to grasp what living in someone else’s skin means.
I’m throwing the question there, like bait, wishing someone will help me answer it. The question would not have much transcendence if it were not because many of the ills of humanity in the present are due to this plague, characterized by the incapacity to feel the pain of others.
If narcissists lack something, it is empathy. They cannot connect with the feelings of others; they cannot grasp other people’s inner world. In the United States, it is essential to become “the” Number One, defeat a rival, earn more, be more productive, be famous, and the consequence is that more than anywhere else, but not exclusively, narcissism is becoming widespread. Narcissism and individualism are close cousins. The fact that the Times magazine called the Millenials the “Me me me” generation is not an accident. Neoliberalism feeds this trend. A neoliberal logic calls for a growing personal responsibility and discounts the solidary responsibilities of the state or the significance of social justice issues
It is reflected in the way we educate children, the way parents raise them, the undeserved praise we provide them? Is it a matter of intellectual rigidity where we cannot see beyond our limited experience and what we believe (or were told) is true?
As I see protesters all around the United States (and the world) marching in solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement, as I see workers protesting and demanding fair wages, I also see the faces of hundreds of people who have no clue about what these protests are about. People who cannot understand what being a black person or living on less than a minimum wage means.
Racism is such that the actual color of the skin, the social status, the level of education doesn’t really matter if you’re not one of them. I have been called a “coloured” person because I come from a South American country (even if my skin color is rather milky white) and the medical degree I earned there, a white male Republican illustrated to me, is not as good and respectable as if I had earned it in this country!
I had to educate myself to understand that I can’t–and probably will never be able to–fully grasp what the experience of a “coloured person” is in this country.
I can say, though, that it requires empathy to step out of our comfortable places and get into someone else’s shoes. Narcissism is thinking we are better, we know better, and others should just be just like us.
I have often heard that if someone does not have a better life, they have not tried hard enough. Those who adhere to this theory are probably oblivious to the history of white supremacy, slavery, feudalism, capitalism, supremacy, and privilege. Will learning about the suffering black people endured while working to build the wealth of others allow us to be more empathetic? If not, what would?
How do we responde to stress or fear? We have choices but we need to learn how to regulate emotions and become more compassionate.
We’re wired for love but humans have created stratified societies that enhance competition over cooperation and having over just being. The coronavirus pandemic provides us with an opportunity to rethink the way we live, to appreciate what we have instead of craving for what we don’t have. This might be an opportunity to become more aware of how crucial relationships are and that we’re so interconnected that what I do, can affect everybody else. We often fail to embrace our common humanity or commit to our common destiny with full responsibility. It often takes a crisis, an epidemic, a recession, an earthquake, a hurricane, to activate what Shelly Taylor called our tend-and-befriend response. But if we learn new parenting and education modalities that take into account our human potential for empathy, compassion and solidarity, we will become equipped to solve the most pressing problems humanity and our planet face.
Our foremost asset is that we’re born hardwired for empathy, compassion, and love even if the current state of affairs in the world often seems to contradict this assertion.
Many of our problems come from the way we learn to respond to fear or perceived threats in the environment without consciously assessing them first. In other words, we have not learned to regulate emotions, we respond automatically. This is mostly because our educational and parenting models are centered on modifying children’s behavior instead of promoting autonomy, self-compassion, and empathy.
What do we need to learn from this coronavirus pandemic?
In my former post about the Coronavirus pandemic, I opened up about the different reactions I had when it became evident we could not escape the impact of the Covid-19. When pandemics happen, we experience the exact same reactions we have when experiencing losses or when we have been victims of a catastrophe. We go through the stages of grief:
Denial versions:
It’s a hoax or a false alarm.
I’m safe, this is happening far away. I won’t be affected
I’m healthy, no virus will make me sick
This is only affecting “Other” people.
Anger versions:
I found who’s guilty – I assign blame on others
I spread conspiracy theories
I just feel irritable at the whole situation and the limitations it brought to me
Negotiation versions
If I pray (meditate, practice yoga or Qigong) I’ll be okay
I’ll eat better to improve my immune system
I’ll change my lifestyle to be healthier and protected from the virus
I understand we’re part of the problem, we need to do something, we need to change the world
Depression
I should not have…
I regret…
Isolation hits hard, I see how much I need my…
I sleep all the time, have no drive for anything, what’s the point anyhow.
Acceptance
This is what it is
I take responsibility for my part
I learn from this experience and make some changes
I prepare myself for what’s coming
It’s really sad that what is required of us is to “keep social distance” precisely in times in which we have disconnected so much from each other. I see a slight change in the quality of the messages I receive from friends and acquaintances. An increased, personal, concern for one another. But if individualism is one of the main features of these times, the pandemic can make it worse. We might become more suspicious of others than ever.
Ideally, we can use this pandemic to reflect on the quality of our lives and the relationships we have. Maybe we can stop competing, trying to be the one with the most brilliant idea to see how to build new ideas and solutions conjointly. Maybe now we will see how everything is so interconnected that it’s difficult to function as a society without the contribution of each individual. Maybe we’ll start valuing each individual’s contribution. Maybe…
Disciplining children by physical means is still commonly accepted around the world. What many people still don’t understand is that this practice can serve as a prelude to an escalating pattern of child abuse.
According to the United Nations, eleven percent of the world population lives in extreme poverty –– make less than $1.90 a day––and therefore struggles to fulfill basic needs. Even though fewer people live in extreme poverty these days, almost half of the world’s population —3.4 billion people— still strives to meet their basic needs, the World Bank said in 2018.
Child abuse
and neglect can result from the convergence of poverty, high levels of stress,
low levels of education, and lack of parenting skills. In households where
people are struggling to make ends meet, children’s basic physical, emotional,
and spiritual needs are more often neglected.
Researchers have found that exposure to repeated stressors cause hormonal imbalances and activates an area in the brain called the limbic system. The mental status of the parents, the way they regulate emotions, end up affecting children. We need to be aware that brain development and mental health are the result of our interactions. When caregivers or teachers interact with children, they are impacting their brains. This, in essence, is how love becomes flesh, says author Louis Cozolino in his book “Neuroscience of Human Relations,” (W. W. Norton & Company; Second edition, 2014)
Childhood adversities, including neglect, and physical, verbal or emotional abuse, affect the child’s acquisition of skills, their social competence, and their capacity to respond empathically. And, what is worse is that studies have consistently found that any form of physical punishment is associated with future violence against caregivers, siblings, peers, and partners. However, researchers also found that children’s aggression was reduced by stopping harsh discipline.
When a child
is born, he or she is equipped to naturally experience concern for another.
But, as researchers have shown, deprived children or children exposed to any
form of child abuse or trauma, have problems experiencing empathy or even
recognizing emotions different from anger, which is a response typical of the
fight-or-flight response to stress (resulting from the activation of the
amygdala in the brain).
It’s therefore
essential to set up policies in place to address the need for parenting education
for all caregivers, as an effective child abuse preventative strategy.
A dad is trying to playfully connect with his 9-year-old at a restaurant. The boy is standing to the left and the father has his arm around him. Both seem a little uncomfortable. The dad starts throwing what seems like a math quiz at the child.
What’s 40% of 50? the dad asks and the boy has trouble finding the answer.
The dad gives him clues, takes him to “what’s 40% of a hundred?” to which the boy easily replies 40 and then the dad insists with the former question.
Even though
this time the boy easily says 20, he is frustrated and concludes, “I’m not
smart, dad.”
This simple anecdote of interaction between father and son makes me think of a hundred things.
For one, how
difficult it is to respond sometimes to the emotional needs of another person!
The father’s
intention seems to be to communicate with his son, to play with him, to
stimulate the child’s brain. However, he doesn’t seem to realize he’s making
the child feel incompetent and stupid. Not a good foundation for a parent-child
relationship, but unfortunately this interaction is not uncommon between adult
and young males.
There was an implicit “leave me alone” plead from the boy that the father disregarded. I wonder if the child will remember this one as a humiliating moment where he perceived his father was more intelligent. Will he also feel that his father sees him as a failure and therefore won’t feel proud of him? Not unlikely, the father-son memory will be recorded with some resentment that will mark even the son’s choice of career (I’m not good for math, I will choose art).
The saddest thing though is not only that the father didn’t see the child’s discomfort (the father kept insisting) but that the dad’s good intention was not recognized either.
I believe in
these cases a third person is essential. Was this a divorced father sharing
weekend time with his child? The mother was not there. Would she have stopped
the father from going on with the quiz to protect the child? Would she have
interpreted and explained to the child what his father’s intention was?
I’ve seen how
important it is for single parents to have a third person reinforce their
authority, share responsibilities, explain their intentions to the child.
I’ve also seen how important it is for a child who is verbally mistreated in public to have a third person intervene and stop the abuse. It takes the blame out of him/her (“It is not something I did what explains my parent’s abusive behavior”).
I am certain that in many occasions our perception of the world is tinted and biased because we lack that third person in our lives who can explain and interpret the facts for us. For example, a grandfather who provides a different perspective; the stranger who intervenes to either defend the child or take the steam out of the situation; the wife who explains dad’s intention; the therapist who allows for a space where emotions are acknowledged, words listened, and new perspectives are possible.
Let’s look
for opportunities where our children can see the two sides of a coin. That will
help them integrate lightness and darkness and grow emotionally healthy.
I was recently teaching a Reiki class to a very nice group of women.
But, before I go on, I should tell you that the most rewarding aspect of my Reiki classes is the interaction, the closeness that happens between all of us. We usually start with an activity that helps create a safe space: one in which there is confidentiality, acceptance, and respect and people take care of their own needs. By the end of a 12-hour class (Reiki I is intensive, I know) most people have opened their hearts and experienced what it is to be supported and connected.
So, this group of women… after each activity, we sit and reflect on the experiences and make space for questions and answers. The subject of becoming Reiki Masters and teachers came up. Someone asked how to replicate, expand, multiply the kind of closeness, intimacy, and support experienced during the day. I said, “What you do is you all become Reiki Masters and teachers and pass on this gift of Reiki to other people.”
I’m not new to the hesitation most people experience about teaching others. We tend to doubt ourselves. Would others listen to us? Do we have the authority to teach others when we still feel “incomplete,” “flawed,” or “in the process of becoming”? And I think the answers are Yes, yes, and yes. We complete ourselves in the interaction with others. We build ideas as we speak and wisdom comes out (Dr. Paul Gilbert defines wisdom as knowledge + insight). We allow others to see our vulnerability and trust them, understanding that our vulnerabilities are the place from which they can empathize with us. We become (whatever we want to become) thanks to the collective wisdom that inspires us, moves our heart, motivates us to move forward, opens our eyes to new experiences.
So, then the group wanted to discuss the Reiki principles a bit further. I have already talked elsewhere about the other Reiki principles: Don’t anger, Don’t worry, Give thanks for your blessings. Another of the five principles is “Working hard on self” and this one brought quite a few questions. No, we don’t want to be hard on ourselves, that’s not the idea.
There is the perfectionist kind of hard, I said. A person who will never feel enough and will judge others by the same measure. And then, there is the honest person kind of hard. I provided a personal example: I hate mediocrity and yet I’ve come to recognize that sometimes I don’t try my best because what I do seems good enough to many.
So, I need to be true to myself. I think it’s easy to fall into what Edward de Bono called the “intelligence trap:” if we’re somewhat smart, we might be tempted to using our quick thinking to defend or postulate ideas (and we might have the ability to do so nicely), rather than further exploring those ideas and subjects until we really acquire a deep knowledge of what we’re talking about. Once I become aware that I’m doing this, I have the obligation to “work hard” on getting out of the above-mentioned intelligence trap, and conscientiously study and keep myself up-to-date on the topics I’ll be teaching, writing, and discussing.
So, the goal of “working hard” is not to be perfect, but to be honest: to be fully aware of our potential, our weaknesses, our flaws, until we get to know who we truly are. And we’re certainly not what we do nor what we achieve nor what we have.
We spoke about two kinds of doing: there is what I do in order to have (possessions, titles, position, recognition) and this kind of doing doesn’t really lead to satisfaction, fulfillment, or joy. And there is the doing that becomes the expression of my truest being and this doing is pure joy on itself.